What Does That Have to Do with Dating and Friendships? - A Follow-up

I had someone point out that the last post, 'Why do Guy's "Cut 'n Run"?' looked at a passage on marriage, not dating. Very true. So, the natural question, what does love in marriage have to do with me, as a guy, having healthier friendships and dating relationships?

I think it has a lot to do with it, actually. No one wakes up one morning and decides to go run a marathon without months of training. Likewise, waking up this morning wishing I had the discipline to learn a language isn't going to undo all the years I haven't been disciplined enough to learn Spanish, Greek, or French. I think it's important to think about relationships in the same way. That I, and we as guys (really, all of us), have to intentionally develop disciplines and mindsets - in this case, an attitude of self-sacrificial commitment (agape love). It's a love that is most significantly tested in marriage, where our selfishness is seen most clearly/painfully by someone that we spend every day with.

It seems that our culture realizes that agape love - a committed love - is what we all want. It's why we don't want friends dating a guy (or girl, for that matter), who seems to have another girlfriend (or boyfriend) every week or month. We recognize their lack of commitment and know that that's a recipe for disaster and hurt.

Now, an agape commitment in marriage is different then anything else. We don't begin friendships with a mutual decision that says, 'through sickness and health...etc.' I will be faithful to you. Nor do we start dating relationships that way. That's one of the things that's so unique about marriage. There is NO other relationship in our lives where we commit so completely as we do in marriage. And, that's the way it should be. It's why marriage isn't a decision we make in one day. As well, it would be disastrous if all of our friendships and dating relationships carried the same commitment as marriage.

We've all been in friendships or dating relationships that really were not good or healthy places for us (or the other person) to be. We knew it. Those around us could see it. In those sorts of relationships, we start off the relationships with good intentions - of being a 'true friend'. This often used phrase insinuates a hoped for level of commitment and loyalty - the idea that that friend has our back, and we there's. But, as time goes on and we get to know the person, we realize that it's not a relationship we should be in.

For example, both of my parents were very close to marrying someone else. My dad was dating a girl that, had she not broken off the relationship, they might have been married. My mom was engaged to a guy and then realized that it wasn't where she was supposed to be. I can't even begin to tell you how GLAD I am that those previous relationships didn't work out. Mostly because it meant that I'm here :-), but also because I love seeing my parents together. At nearly 60 years old, they are still one of the cutest couples I know.

While our perspective and approach to friendships and dating relationships should be one of agape love - of being a 'true friend', that love that Jesus calls us to show to all people - dating and friendships are relationships that leave room for differing levels of depth, as well as, if need be, stepping away from the friendship. Agape love in marriage, where that sort of self-sacrifical love is most beautiful, doesn't leave room for that.

So, back to the beginning, what about friendships and dating relationships? There's not a mutual agreement for lifelong commitment, so we can't control the other person's actions or reactions. True, but we're entirely responsible for our own choices, attitudes, and perspectives. I, and we, need to think of friendships as something more than only worthwhile if they are convenient. It's not what Jesus modeled or called me/us to.

In my first dating relationship, I failed to communicate what I was thinking and what was going on in my head/heart to my girlfriend. That's a part of agape love where I dropped the ball - communication. I failed to do my part in a healthy friendship by failing to communicate.

One of the most important things in any friendship or relationship is communication. As a missionary kid, I've moved all over the world and I'm no longer friends with people that have been incredibly important in my life simply because we don't communicate anymore. It's why married couples who are on the verge of divorce go see a marriage counselor, because she/he is there to help them learn to communicate with each other again.

Communication is so, so very important. One of the ways we, as guys, can 'love others as I have loved you' (as Jesus called us to), is to be committed to communicating with our friends and girlfriends. Sure, the relationship may still end - which almost always brings with it hurt, disappointment, and heartache and, sometimes necessary, a distancing in the friendship - but we've got a better chance of having a friendship after the end of the relationship if we've communicated openly and honestly, then we do if we don't. It's about that being the goal in our minds, the mindset - to have a friendship with this person, because they are valuable and worthwhile getting to know, because of who God's made them.

There was a girl in college that I pursued for about 6 months, in my typical 'clumsy Daniel' way. I still have the email from her, essentially, saying 'No', in follow-up to a conversation I had initiated about our friendship. It's one of the greatest emails I've ever gotten. In it, she affirmed our friendship, but was incredibly honest and forthright in saying 'No.' We still stay in touch, albeit sporadically because our lives have gone in different directions, but it's been a powerful example that friendships and dating relationships don't HAVE to end badly.

We don't live in a fatalistic world where we are simply pawns and have no power over our decisions. While I'm not fond of a phrase one of my Catholic friends uses - 'God helps those who help themselves' - the truth in that statement is that we are humans, capable and responsible for our own decisions and actions.

So, if you were wondering what it might look like to 'love others as Christ loved us' when it comes to your friendships and dating relationships, here are some things I'm trying to develop in my own life:

1. Consider every person I know worth knowing because of who they are, not because of what they have to offer me or where our friendship may, or may not, end up.

2. That I would be committed to communicating better - whether that be with friends or girlfriends. Being honest about what I'm thinking - it's the SCARIEST thing at the time, but it's not only the right thing, but the BEST thing to do in the long run.

3. That I would be committed, as much as possible, to being a friend who is there to listen, to help, and to encourage. (In this global world, I can't do this for all my friends - but for the ones that I'm able to do it for, I want to do it to the best of my ability).

4. That I would NEVER, EVER treat a dating relationship as if it was only worth it if it ended in marriage. That I would be committed - as far as it is healthy to do so - to maintaining that friendship, even when things don't 'go as planned.'

5. To be committed to the friendships I develop, to the extent that it's healthy. To make the choice to invest and communicate more intentionally in them.

We can all add our own goals to this list, as we push on to learn what it means to agape those around us in the way that God has loved us. For me, as a guy, I want every day to be a day in learning to do this better. That way, when the day comes when I CHOOSE to commit to lay down my life in love for another, I will have had years of practice in loving (and no, not in the sexual sense, in the much more important, life-encompassing sense) - in the agape sense of the word.