Embracing Chastity
I'm smiling as I write this because my mom, understandably eager for her son to get married ('in God's time' :-), will likely be cringing at the title of this post. Don't worry mom - keep reading. I promise, it's not what it seems.
For some friends I knew at JBU, the move from the 'JBU bubble' to the secular world - whether in the business world or academia - was characterized by a period (still going on for some) of sexuality. Freedom at last! It has been the opportunity to try 'swinging' with other couples or simply having sex with complete strangers. I had a good friend of mine in Arkansas concerned that this too would be my time to experiment and 'taste freedom'.
To be honest, I've found my time at a secular school and in a secular environment incredibly affirming of my desire to wait until I'm married to experience sex. Sure, sexuality is more in my face now then it has ever been. While at JBU I couldn't have named anyone having sex (unless they were married), but here it's the accepted norm around me and something that's a part of life for several of my friends here.
Throughout my life, the motivations that have kept me from pornography and sex have been friends. Friends whose marriages have been nearly ruined by pre-marital sex, relationships that have been left in tatters from indiscretions, and women whose lives have been ruined by the men they love who, after 20 years of pornography, treat them as simply another image on a page. My conversations with these dear friends continue to live vividly in my memory.
But, the older I get the more another element has come to play into my commitment to chastity. It's the idea that I want better sex, not more sex. I know, that sounds weird, so I'll explain.
Better Sex, Not More Sex
Even though it's surely TMI (too much info), my sex drive is just as charged and alive as any other 25 year-old, single male. Now, there's two caveats to that. One, it's a lot like any really wonderful thing - the more you experience it, the more you desire it. So, the fact that I haven't had sex at 25, I'm sure, means that continuing to not have sex is easier for me than for another 25 year-old whose been having sex for years. Second, because I've worked (and certainly have to continue doing so - perhaps more than ever) at not letting my thoughts be lewd or sexual in nature, I'm sure it's easier for me to be a 25 year-old who hasn't had sex, then for those whose imaginations have carried them through any number of scenes out of a romance novel.
Back to better sex, not more sex. Sex is one of those things that everyone whose had it (at least that I know or have spoken with) has loved it. It's been one of the most amazing, wonderful, delightful things of their life. As a result, I'm not concerned that I'm missing out. It's not like sex is going to be less fun or less enjoyable 5 years from now simply because it's 5 years from now. As if there was some universal expiration date. It'll still be wonderful.
Comparison's Weight
There's this unanimous agreement that sex is wonderful. Now, my life is lived in a world of comparison. How fast is my computer now compared to the computer I grew up with as a kid? How beautiful is this beach compared to the one in Charleston? How difficult is this teacher compared to Dr. Vila, Dr. Castelman, or Prof. Jones? How good is this book compared to the last one?
By nature, I compare. It seems in-bred in me - a pursuit of the questions and analysis that form comparisons. Comparison performs an analysis on several fronts in every situation. It's a comparison of what's better, what's worse, what's the same. This author's writing isn't as articulate as the last. Dr. Vila, Dr. Castleman, and Prof. Jones were all a lot more difficult than this teacher. This is the most beautiful beach I've ever seen...except that the water is so much colder than the east coast!
Knowing this instant inclination to comparison in myself, I continue to choose to make a strategic decision about sex. That I'd rather be on one marvelous beach - where I can fully enjoy all of it's attributes - then be distracted while I'm there by the process of comparison. I find the same truth born out when I think about sex. While I don't think comparison is the death of enjoyable sex (the majority of the world would seem to prove that), I do think it relegates one to either 'more sex,' a constant pursuit for 'even better sex,' or a disappointment that it's 'not as good as' sex.
Better Sex
When I break my vow of chastity, I want to do it for better sex, not more. I want to experience it in a way that I know comparison will never play a part. Experience it in a way in which, when it comes to sex, it will be the BEST experience I've ever had and will ever had. I want sex where it sets a bar that will never be moved or compared to. In fact, that any comparison is in figuring out how to have better sex with that one person - where comparison of sex itself is the issue, where it's not being muddled into a comparison with/of the person.
It's in better sex that there's the freedom to be goofy, to have fun, to trust, and to be free - and to not worry about comparison.
I really think that this is the deep practicality of God's directions - his call to godliness and to obeying him. It's the reality that following his directions really leads to the 'abundant life' in all ways - sex, friendships, fulfillment, financial wisdom, etc. Just like a good father gives his child directions to make their life better (not worse), so God's directions truly are well intentioned - to give us the best life, not the mediocre or the 'missing out' version of life.
[There's a whole other aspect to this as well. It's my deep belief that sex is best when it flows out of a deep, strong non-sexual relationship first and a lifetime commitment second. For it's in there, that relationship + understanding + commitment + trust = better, freer, funner sex.]
The Reality of Help
Now, lest I end this sounding like the high and mighty monk sitting on the island shouting back at the world, let me insert a caveat. Having dated only once, I know from personal experience how easy it can be to fall into the physical 'arms' of a relationship. I know my own proclivity and inclination to that part of who I am as a 25 year-old functioning male. But, I have seen others pursue the this ideal and been deeply fulfilled for having pursued it and stuck to it. So, it continues to be my pursuit, my desire, and my goal. And yes, on my own, I would never accomplish it - because I know my own tendencies all too well. However, with the Spirit and His promise to give us strength and perseverance, I have no doubt I'll one day enjoy better sex (that only keeps getting better and better), not just more sex.
'Godliness is of value in every way,
as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.'
- Paul's 1st letter to Timothy (4:8)
as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.'
- Paul's 1st letter to Timothy (4:8)
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