My "Jump This Ship" Day

In transition theory, there's typically a four step process. In a crude description, the four stages are (1) honeymoon, (2) depression, (3) adjustment, and (4) settlement. The basic idea is of course that no matter how big a transition we go through (across town or across the world), that we go through these four distinguishable phases.

Today was my realization that I'm clearly in the 2nd stage - the bottom of the pit, a bit of depression, a "I want to jump out off the plane with a parachute, jump off this ship and head back home" day. For me, I usually know I'm at this stage when things have been going pretty well, I feel acclimated, then I begin to get frustrated, discouraged and feel as though I'll never figure out the new systems/norms/etc.

Most noticeably, I've seen this stress in my dissertation and studies. For example, in a discussion today they were talking about "calendars" and "finding aids" - while I could figure out the second one simply enough, I had no clue on the first (evidently, it's a list of sources in some way related to a topic..I think).

I'm really feeling it in the sense of figuring out my MA thesis topic. Because I'm trying to learn about Kenya and at the same time figure out a topic, it's proving quite difficult when I talk to faculty and they want me to know more then my general areas of "religion's role in nationalist movements" or "explanations for why Kenya's independence came so late, comparatively". There's this sense that I'm missing the boat on something because the responses are rarely positive...or at least seem that way.

Things will no doubt get better - they always do - but it is wearing. Most importantly, though, I really feel like this year is going to be the year I can't get through without the Spirit's strength and wisdom. Previously, I've naturally done well at my studies - but in that, definitely recognized the blessings of the Spirit in clarity of thought and achievement. This year's a completely different challenge. This year it's more like "I don't know anything about this. I don't understand it. I can't keep it all straight. That's due next week and I'm afraid that I won't turn in what they're looking for...." and so the stress and anxiety continues in these same strains of thought.

But truly, the question becomes, how will I deal with it? On my own or resting in His strength and assured guidance? Indeed, as much as I'd love to be a university professor - whether I end up there or somewhere else - the story should be written by Him, rather than me. For one, it'll be a better story that way - and likely full of all kinds of unforeseen adventures. And so, I'll keep my seat on this plane and stay on the boat, trusting Him to carry me through or, in His time, to hand me the parachute or life-jacket. So, I sit and buckle in for this ride - sometimes, like getting on a roller coaster, thinking that I was crazy for ever having sat in this chair, but trusting the "maker" that the ride will hold together and I'll make it through.*

*Note: For those of you that don't know, I have an incredible fear of roller coasters. If God had wanted us to go up and down and all around like that, he would have given us wings. He didn't.