It seems that most often, when I post, I post about things I've been doing, something that's happened, or thoughts on my mind, but rarely do I post about how I'm doing emotionally. Perhaps that's expected with me being both a guy and the reality that blogs are public and require a degree of composure and social restraint. Not that I'm going to throw out those last two qualities, but I thought I would write that infrequent post about what's going on emotionally.------------
Here at the start of April, I'm beginning my eighth month in Northern Ireland. I can't even begin to communicate how quickly it has flown by. It's amazing to think that over ten months ago I gave my notice at JBU and Kim Eldridge, my boss at the time, encouraged me to pursue graduate school. Here I am, ten months later, a stranger in a foreign country, having had experiences that some are only able to in the depths of their imagination. It's humbling, for how fortunate am I that God would smile down on me and give me such a rich life.
The companionship of God is an incredible thing. The idea that God, who knows us completely because of his omniscience, chooses to know us intimately because of His love, when He doesn't have to. There's no question in my mind that I wouldn't be here were it not for the Triune God and His hand. Were it not for His hand, I wouldn't have the blessing of incredible friends - both at church and at Queen's - nor the richness of opportunities - the weekly international bible study, the SOS bus, etc. I am so very thankful for all the friendships, with people from all over the world and all kinds of backgrounds, the Lord has given me this year. They'll be friendships and memories that will stay with me for a lifetime.
Interestingly enough though, I find that its friendship that is the cause of deep longing. At JBU, the word 'community' is mocked for being used so often, yet it encapsulates the two great commandments: to be in community (to love) the Lord Your God and to be in community (to love) your neighbor as yourself.
One of the pains of a year like this is found in one of its richest blessings. A couple of years ago I toured London (and visited Cambridge) by myself for a week. After that trip, I decided I didn't want to spend money on another trip that I did by myself - that life needs to be experienced with someone, with a friend.
Earlier this week, I emailed several friends to see if they were interested in coming over to Ireland for a week this summer, since it looks like I won't be sticking around for another year. The email came in response to their emails saying they missed me, coupled with my own desire to spend time with them.
One of the friends, Jonathan (above), who I've known for five years now and has been a rich blessing in my life, opened my eyes, in his reply, to a reality that I wasn't even aware of. In asking how I was doing, he wrote: "I know it must be pretty lonely over there. It seems that although you are living your dream you are a little discouraged." As I lay in bed and reflected on Jonathan's email, I realized that he was 'dead on' (as they'd say here in Ireland). I may be living an incredible life and experiencing amazing things (which, I am), but it's certainly mixed with a longing for family and friends back home, those who have known me for a longtime and know me deeply and in whose company I will always relish.
And so I realized that Oxford, while bringing a great sense of elation and excitement on Monday when I opened the acceptance letter, has also brought with a sense of longing and, for lack of a better word (since I do have incredible friends here), a sense of loneliness - but loneliness for those who are back in the US. The idea of three more years away from them, of three more years experiencing this adventure and making new friends and adapting to new things - it's three years I know, now more than ever, and not just in the academic side, I will have to rest 'in the shadow of His wings'.
He is God - the one that the prophets of old proclaimed as 'steadfast in love and faithfulness'. And so, in realizing a sense of loneliness and desire to experience this life in community, I push into Him who has promised to 'never leave us nor forsake us' and trust that, as I hold fast to Him, He holds fast to me. That He'll guide me through this adventure He has me on - through excitement, through joy, through sorrow, through fellowship, and through loneliness.
The Triune God - a companion, a guide, and my Rock along the Way.
I'll end this post with something else Jonathan wrote:
'Stay the course my friend; God has great things in store for you!'
And so I press in and I hold on for the continuing adventure.
